Shame is something that affects everyone
cutting across gender, age, socio-economic background, culture, religion and
nationality. Shame is a regulator of social behaviour
,
and a necessary part of education. However, it can also be negatively
restrictive with far- reaching repercussions as Durkhanai Ayubi explains in her
article below.
The Invisible Hand Of Shame
It’s not often talked about.
We can't see it, hear it, touch it, smell it or taste it. But, at some point in
our lives, we all feel it - or rather, are made to feel it.
Shame.
The invisible hand of shame may
elude our five senses but is so deeply ingrained within our psyche - both
individual and collective - that it shapes the way we function in our private
lives and as a society. When used as a tool for control, its effects on
individuals and communities are devastating.
Throughout history, and indeed to this very day, it is a
woman’s actions that are most closely scrutinised for evidence of shame. Women
are forced to carry out an impossible balancing act, walking the tightrope of
psychological, social and cultural expectations that form the basis of what
constitutes shame. These are a set of expectations which conflict with one
another and paint an unrealistic picture of the way a woman must behave. In many
cultures and communities, when a woman is perceived to have shamed herself, this
is inextricably linked to the entire family’s honour. The consequences of not
meeting these expectations can be devastating.
But what exactly is shame and how has it become such a
powerful tool? How is it able to
control the actions of women by often overriding what is just, from a religious
and legal perspective?
Dr Brene Brown, an American researcher on shame and
empathy, from the University of Houston, and author of
The Gifts of
Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You
Are, (2010
), has spent almost a decade on understanding shame and its
effect on the human spirit. After interviewing hundreds of people and
through years of research and analysis, she defines shame as “ the intensely
painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed, and therefore unworthy
of acceptance and belonging”. She elaborates on this explanation, saying
“women often experience shame when they are entangled in a web of layered,
conflicting and competing social-community expectations. Shame leaves women
feeling trapped, powerless and isolated”.
Shame and guilt are two concepts that are often confused
with one another; they are connected—but they are different. Shame is more
damaging than guilt; it refers to feelings of “I am bad”, whereas guilt
connects to the feeling of “I did something bad”. Shame is more difficult to overcome as it is built on an
individual’s belief that they themselves are bad, while guilt, on the other
hand, separates the individual from the action and may be easier to rectify.
When an individual is made to feel shamed, they also become
open to manipulation and control; the shamed individual becomes coerced into
silence and obedience. For
instance, in cases of rape, shame becomes attached to the victim, rather than to
the rapist. A woman needing to seek psychological counseling often becomes mute,
ashamed to seek professional assistance or take legal action against the
perpetrator.
Similarly, many women in abusive marriages dare not leave
their husbands for fear of bringing shame to the family, or becoming socially
isolated and branded as shameless. They
believe that the culturally right and honourable thing to do is to stay in
the marriage and accept the abuse that comes with this decision. This creates
cycles of abuse that may be passed down through generations.
This not only happens in war-torn countries overseas, but
also right on our doorstep; for shame is pervasive, transcending culture,
location and time. A confidential study, carried out by the Islamic Women’s
Welfare Council in Victoria in 2008, reported that some local imams needed to
display more sensitivity over domestic violence matters, when approached by
women seeking assistance. Often the desire to avoid ‘shame’ took precedence
over the religious and legal rights of women.
I suggest that this is where the real shame lies, and that our communities must recognise shame for the
negative force it becomes when used as a tool for manipulation and control. Its
power is entrenched to the extent that self-respect and honour is maintained,
not by choosing right from wrong, or just from unjust, but by choosing what
society expects.
Shame is powerful because it is a difficult feeling to
admit internally. A woman who feels shamed becomes mute; her experience is
shrouded in secrecy; she becomes isolated. Cries from the outside seem to drown
out any whispers from within which might initiate positive change.
Although an effective control agent, shame is not a
meaningful change agent. Real change stems from self-worth, not by feeling
powerless and trapped. Overcoming shame lies within the individual. It must be
recognised and replaced with empathy. Dr Brown’s research highlights that the
power to change our behaviour and take what we think to be the right course of
action stems from empathy – that is, understanding how our actions will affect others. The more empathetic we are, the kinder we become to ourselves and
the greater our positive self-regard which, in turn, leads us to be kinder to
others.
Eliminating shame as a tool for control begins at an
individual level, with courageous women breaking the silence surrounding shame
and many of the expectations laid down by socio-cultural traditions. Children
who are not shamed into conformity today, who are taught that they need not be
perfect, but are still worthy, will change the inner workings of how future
generations operate.
I’m imagining a future where shame is no longer used as a
sledgehammer for control. I’m imagining a future where shame does not silence
women into obedience and a life of unhappiness. I’m imagining a future where
self-respect and dignity is maintained through choosing justice over
injustice—a future where the invisible hand of shame is exposed and its power
eliminated.
Durkhanai Ayubi
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